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  • 911, what is your stupidity?

    written by

    james

    I’ve heard folks calling 911 for some pretty stupid reasons. A cold that hasn’t gone away for like 3 days, for instance. But some of the reasons on this list make those seem just a little bit more on the intelligent side than maybe perhaps they ought to. Which, come to think of it, is probably why they ended up being saved for a “top list of” headline. Just goes to show, some folks will always maintain a certain level of job security just to counteract the stupid.

    1. A man called police to help him retrieve his personal property. The man had gone to his girlfriend’s home and taken out his glass eye. He was upset that she hid his eye and refused to return it.

    5. It would be expected that a person would call police to report a $90,000 fraud. However, it’s not common that the caller names Sen. Mike Duffy in Ottawa as the accused.

    6. A man called police because rain water from his neighbour’s roof was falling on his property.

    My absolute favourite off that list, though, has got to be this one. Because really.

    4. A squirrel jumped through the open window of a car, causing the driver to accelerate into a ravine. Luckily the driver was not injured and the squirrel now looks before leaping.

    For those of you keeping score at home, that rates about a 6 on the amusement scale. And probably the lowest out of all of them on the stupid scale. You decide what that says. Me? I’ll be over here thanking all things sane there are still people with a talent for giving other people job security.

  • 2013’s most annoying words, still annoying in 2014.

    written by

    james

    So at the end of 2013, a school in Michigan produced a list of that year’s most annoying words. Not surprisingly, “selfie” and “twerk” topped the list. Equally not surprising, nearing the end of 2014, at least one of those words is still freaking hanging on. Specificly, if I ever hear the word “selfie” again, it’ll be way too damn soon. Now, I’m not necessarily saying there’s anything wrong with people who use it–I’m not that large of a language snob. But if you’ve just spent the better part of 5 years in university, where things like essay writing and the such are pretty much bred into you whether you like it or not, you clearly have the ability to do a little better than “selfie”. My few remaining brain cells will thank you profusely for trying. Extended vocabularies aren’t just for nerds anymore, as long as the definition of “extended” rules out the use of that damned not-a-word. Bonus points to pretty much anything we can use instead to replace it. I can’t afford enough vodka to make it tolerable otherwise…

  • In which my former employer loses its mind. Again.

    written by

    james

    Every once in a while, I actually miss working at Dell. Not necessarily because I could see myself still doing that exact same job 7 years later, but for what it was, the job was something useful. Besides, I got a ton of free software out of the deal, which never hurts. But I have a pretty good feeling if something like ended up on my desk, I probably wouldn’t be doing much in the way of, you know, working there for much longer.

    <

    blockquote>
    There are times when big brands with “social media people” might want to teach those junior level employees to recognize that using one of the standard “scripted” answers might be inappropriate. Take, for example, if you’re Dell and a new report has come out suggesting that the NSA has pretty much compromised your servers at the BIOS level with spy bugs, then, when someone — especially a respected security guy like Martin Wismeijer — tweets at you, you don’t go with the standard scripted “sorry for the inconvenience” response. But, apparently, that’s not how Dell handled things this time (thanks to Mike Mozart for the pointer).

    <

    blockquote>

    Nope, instead, a complaint that your server’s been bugged by the NSA before Dell handed it off to you nets you this response:

    Thank you for reaching out and regret the inconvenience. Our colleagues at @dellcarespro will be able to help you out.

    Okay, now, granted the only server I deal with is the one this site’s sitting on, but somehow, I’m pretty sure the guys getting paid to deal with servers for way more important reasons could probably do without the standard punt script to the Twitter version of India’s tech support queue–who very likely won’t actually be able to help anyway, and that’s if they’re even allowed to do anything other than deny the existence of any kind of NSA involvement whatsoever in the first place. But, on the bright side, no innocent customer pictures were publicised in this customer service manglement scheme…

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  • Always read the fine print. Or the whole print.

    written by

    james

    It’s nearly (yes, okay, I know–still 4 months away) Christmas time again, so time to break out the vaguely Christmas themed posts. And by vaguely themed, I mean this little bit happened in December of last year–but, you know, life and things. A teenager in the UK was doing a little online shopping. He had his eye on an Xbox, and his mind on tossing up 450 pounds for it–just under $750 US at today’s exchange rate. Which would have been absolute awesomeness in a can, considering how quickly they were flying off the shelves at the time. Just one problem, though. The Xbox he paid for wasn’t the Xbox he received.

    Despite the listing stating it was a photo of an XBox One Day One edition console, Mr Clatworthy said he’d expected to receive the console as it was listed in the video games and consoles category on eBay.

    He instead received the photo in the post on Monday, with it having ‘thank you for your purchase’ written on the back.

    Remember all those times people warned you to always read the fine print? Yeah. … About that. It could probably stand a few more repetitions.

  • System administration. Because the vodka industry needs some love, too.

    written by

    james

    Warning: the below post is probably long, and definitely geeky. You’ve been warned.

    I’ve had this blog and several others hosted on a server I run and pay for since around the neighbourhood of 2010 or 2011. Naturally, this means I go beyond the whole finding random things to post about idea and dip into the territory of the sysadmin. Awesome, insofar as experience goes–not, mind, that said experience gets me any closer to being employed, but you’ll have that. But the more I play around with it, the more I think it gets me ready/comfortable with the idea of actually doing something like this and getting paid for it. Besides, I like a challenge.

    So I’ve been running this particular server since August of 2012, or thereabouts. And in that time, yeah there’s been just a tiny little bit of broken here and there. But I usually had some warning or could guess that, hey, what I’m about to do will very likely end in spectacular fashion with me spending the next week and a half picking the pieces off my floor. This time, not so very much.

    I maintain a small platform where I can stick random bits of info, like documentation for things I’ve figured out about otherwise less than stellarly documented programs. Or, you know, random things that just might turn out to be useful to me a year and a half later. That platform is powered by MediaWiki, who’s probably best known for being the thing used by Wikipedia. So you know, it’s been poked at, prodded at, tested the hell out of, and generally considered stable enough. Well, that or Wikipedia is partially owned by MediaWiki, but hey whichever. So I figure, why not? It’s scaleable, so my small little documentation platform oughta be no sweat. Which is largely true, until it breaks.

    I’d never actually bothered digging into the code, if I’m being honest. I figure eventually I’ll get to it, then things happen, and it doesn’t really get gotten to. You know the deal. Fixing the broken, though, necessitated a quick little dig through the surface layer of code. The bright side: now I know why it’s relatively light on database usage. Can I trade, now?

    Here’s a little bit of a primer, if you’re one of those folks who’re on the border of techy but not quite ready to slide across it yet. Most software, like wordPress for instance, pretty much leans on whatever database you’ve set up for it. Everything hits the database, no questions asked. Unless you run some kind of a caching plugin (I do), even the basic trying to access the website hits the database. Database goes down, site goes down. MediaWiki does that, to a point, but there are enough layers between the database and you that it’s not entirely obvious. One of those layers is the extensive use of regular expressions for damn near everything. Almost nothing in the software is actually pulled from the database after, perhaps, the first initial load. Exceptions might be made for things like menus, but that might also be stored in the code itself somewhere and I just haven’t bothered finding it yet. But everything else, like for instance the actual page content? Cached somewhere on disk, then hit with a regular expression. Awesome, in theory. Works perfectly, again also in theory. Until theory goes out the window and they release a server software update that pretty much breaks the place. I applied that server update. Had no idea anything was broken–because barely anyone uses what I’ve set MediaWiki up for, and nothing else went sideways. So all was right in the world. Until my documentation actually needed to be flexed.

    In fixing the broken, I learned exactly two things, real quick. Thing the first: Even on non-Windows systems, updates still break pretty–I knew that already, but it’s occasionally nice to have that confirmed once in a while. Especially when you know a few people who’ll gladly insist they’ve never had an update problem with $OtherSystem like they’ve always had with Windows. And thing the second: If you release an update to a pretty significant piece of software that breaks compatibility in new, interesting and creative ways, and pretty much no one sees it coming, you’re doing it wrong.

    Let the record reflect I still love the sysadmin gig. Let the record also reflect I’d still love to be paid for the sysadmin gig. But I’m kind of wondering now how many paid sysadmins are sitting in an office wishing they could fire themselves a developer. Other people’s broken is never a fun thing to come home to. Now, I speak from experience.

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  • From the department of things that no longer surprise me: Professional cuddling?

    written by

    james

    Okay, I get the basic idea behind it. Seriously, I’ve always been of the opinion that there’s nothing overtly sexual/dangerous/whatever about two people cuddling. It’s all about limits, things like that–and really, if every second or third person had someone to cuddle with (or, hell, someone to have any kind of physical contact with at all) there’d probably be a few less problem children wandering about. But I can’t quite wrap my head around the idea that people will actually pay for that.

    – Wisconsin’s ultra-liberal capital city is a place where just about anything goes, from street parties to naked bike rides.

    But city officials say a business is pushing even Madison’s boundaries by offering, of all things, hugs.

    For $60, customers at the Snuggle House can spend an hour hugging, cuddling and spooning with professional snugglers.

    Okay. Again. Get the idea in theory. Have said before that people in general need physical contact of some sort. Have emphasised, at least once, from the perspective of kids but hey, it’s the same way for most adults–why not? And I suppose, if folks aren’t getting it–again, like certain significantly more intimate forms of physical contact–from the people they want/need it from, I can see them maybe looking elsewhere for it. That would probably be slightly more socially acceptable than sleeping with someone on the side or whatever if folks weren’t raised to view physical contact in general as highly inappropriate.

    But I can safely say paying for it never quite struck me as a thing that happens. I mean how desperate for attention, physical or otherwise, do you have to be before that looks like an option worth considering? And the ones doing it professionally–clearly it’s not anything close to the same for them as their probably significantly more sexual counterparts. That’s not something you do, I’d like to think anyway, if you’re just barely trying to get by, or if you’re desperate to support the drug addiction you just can’t shake off.

    As odd as I find arrangements like that though, it doesn’t really end up doing a whole lot to surprise me. People will pay for damn near anything. People will accept money in exchange for damn near anything. I just didn’t figure damn near anything went as far as, you know, things that should be common sense. Welp, that’ll learn me. Clearly, like the book says, it takes all kinds.

  • Disorderly conduct or temporary insanity?

    written by

    james

    I honestly have no idea how to start a post like this, which is part of the reason I’ve been sitting on it for so long. Of course the other part is sheer unadulterated shock at the amount of crazy that must have been required to eeven entertain the thought.

    Serge Vorobyov was apparently going through a bit of a rough time. And by rough, I mean he may or may not still be picking up the pieces. He and his wife had just divorced, and he clearly wasn’t quite ready to call it a done deal yet. So in a desperate attempt to both win her back and prove he’s not exactly the kind of man I’d consider lending a thousand dollars too, he thought it might be fun to provide a little background entertainment at the Mall of America. So while a choir sang Let it Snow, he lobbed a thousand dollars over a fourth floor railing. Then, kept tossing money on his way down.

    Vorobyov had stamped the bills with his YouTube address and on his Facebook page he called the event a publicity stunt. When asked why he wanted the publicity, he said he wanted his cat back from his estranged wife.

    Why do I get the feeling he’s now got his hands on more than one cat at a price of significantly less than a thousand dollars? Why do I also get the feeling he’s skipping out on a psychiatrist appointment? Some folks just can’t let go.

  • Win A Jailhouse Wedding!

    written by

    james

    So, let’s say you’re Vincent Condron. Let’s say you’ve been ducking under the legal radar for the better part of six years, on account of there’s a warrant out to have your ass in handcuffs because you went off and did something braindead stupid. Now let’s say you played it smart the last several years. Laying low, keeping quiet, straightening yourself out, and just generally–well, you know–keeping yourself the hell out of trouble. Or, failing that, out of the country. Now let’s say someone from Britain, who just so happens to be the country having the warrant out to arrest your ass, catches your eye. You probably aren’t going to put yourself and your new fiance up for public enjoyment in that country and lead the cops pretty much right to you, right? … Please note: if you agreed with this, take a bow. Then, consider yourself smarter than Vincent, who apparently won himself a wedding and proceeded to land his mugshot in the local paper. Which landed him in handcuffs. The good news, for him and his new bride at least, is they decided not to actually lock him up–apparently, ho hum, he’s a changed man, now. The bad news? If he’s not a changed man, somebody just bought them a jailhouse wedding. I’ll let you consider that for, oh, just a moment. Okay, time’s up.

    ,

  • Right name, wrong number.

    written by

    james

    If you thought having a class full of Jennifers was hell when you were in school, try having a phone book full of, say, Marty Walshs. Now try having one of them end up elected as Boston’s most recent mayor. You see where this is going, right?

    Folks as high up as the vice president were calling up mister Walsh to congratulate him on the election victory. Well, that is, they would have been, if they were dialing the right Marty Walsh. Instead, they congratulated a business executive with the exact same name for an election he didn’t even participate in–aside from, one hopes for the sake of his own safety, perhaps voting in said election.

    The thing I can understand here is at least the guy the mayor was confused with lives–or, if not, works–in the city. Easy enough to do. So let’s fast forward to Olympic season. The US has taken to joining the digital world, so when the Olympics happened, this meant the folks they wanted playing for them were told by text message. Awesome. Unless your text message intended for, we’ll say, a Ryan Kesler ends up instead going to a 67-year-old from the wrong country who’s never played a game in his life. Apparently, Kesler had changed his number–and, I guess, forgot to fill out a form somewhere along the way, and the old one was reassigned in relatively short order.

    So, you know, Canadian Grandpa gets himself an invite to Canada’s game on behalf of the US, and a CEO gets to run a city he didn’t even campaign for. The American dream at work. Now, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go triple check my contact info–just in case, you know, I’m not the only James H hanging out in Ottawa. Or maybe I’ll just default most of my contacts to email…

  • Leave it to Cracked to be mostly accurate about the blind.

    written by

    james

    I should seriously devote more time to reading sites like Cracked. Not just because, hell, some of what they toss up there is freaking hilarious. But because in a lot of cases, some of what they toss up there is freaking accurate. Take an article they wrote on how the rest of the world pretty much makes it harder on blind folks than it oughta be. That isn’t to say, naturally, that it’s open season on the world and bring on the pity party, but let’s be realistic/honest here. We might still have our problems, but we’d probably have less of them if the people we have to deal with on the regular would exercise their right to be braindead a little less frequently. I may go into detail a bit more in other entries, but with the exception of 5 (and I’ve been around quite a few with varying levels of vision and haven’t noticed much in the way of accusations of faking), the article pretty much looks like an almost exact duplication of my own observations. That isn’t to say there aren’t more than a few blind folks out there with a nack for making complete and utter dicks of themselves for no real good reason. But for the rest of us, we spend most of our time dodging headaches that aren’t of our own devising. Which, I think, is part of what makes those of us who actually want something to happen probably a little more likely to get it. But that’s just me. The guy next door may brand the whole thing a conspiracy against the teeny tiny blind population in both the US and Canada. At which point, I suppose I can’t really blame some folks for deciding to exercise their right to be stupid. In some cases, it’s probably deserved. But in most, you’re just creating headaches because it’s cool. Knock that off, would ya?

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