Welcome to Nowhere

This was forwarded to me in the hopes I might have a rant brewing. Truthfully, if I was desperate, I probably could. Sadly, I’m laughing too hard. I don’t usually bother with chain letters–of which this is one, just for the record–but, well, the mockworthy. It’s all over the place. I’ll shove my commentary where appropriate.

Best email ever

WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

Gah, the caps. Really. Does the intended audience need to be slapped in the head with the message?

‘My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

Awesome. Really. Oh, by the way, sorry about those not really existent weapons of mass destraction–er I mean destruction. Really. I won’t say we told you so. But we did.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq . This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Why do I get the vague suspicion there’s some kind of vague, christian-esque reference in there? Oh right. Written by the right wing. Sorry.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Sorry, USA. Really. We just got all tied up with cleaning up that other mess you and the UK started. Yeah, you know the one.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THEREAFTER It’ll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

Again with the bloody caps. Geebus criminy. Also: hello, chain letter writer? Bill Clinton called. He wants his 1990’s platform back.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Yes you are. How else are you gonna justify bombing someone else in 10 years?

Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

Done. It’s been a pleasure.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

See: corrupt governments, not supporting of and my response to it.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China .

I think France might have just been called third world. Nice.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well.

I wish. Hell, I wish Canada would, too. Say, wasn’t Iraq/Afghanistan all supported by NATO? Way to bite the hand that feeds you.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

Again, didn’t the UN support Iraq/Afghanistan? Biting the hand, again, folks.

A special note to our neighbors: Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Thanks for the warning. We’ll be shutting off the oil, now.

Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple thousand extra tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put ’em? Yep, border security.

Hot damn, this letter writer *does* have one functioning brain cell. Who’d of thunk it?

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.

Awwe. And we were just getting used to you guys screwing us over with it. Softwood lumber, anyone?

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska -which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

Awesome. Then we won’t lose any sleep over the afore mentioned shutting off of the oil. And hey, you just might save us a few cents at the pump, too. Thanks for that, guys.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, ‘darn tootin.’

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America . It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.

Little note, dear author. “Do what we tell you or we’ll bomb the crap out of you” does not constitute trying to help folks live a decent life. Unless you’re George Bush, but you knew that already.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought : You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

Why not? You guys are learning to speak Spannish.

God bless America .. Thank you and good night.’
If you can read this in English, thank a soldier.
(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let’s get this to every USA computer!)

I do thank a soldier, every day. And his wife. My parents taught me to speak it very well, thanks. By the way, redneck is not english. Just for the record.

PS: I despise chain letters. It will not be forwarded. It will, however, be endlessly mocked. Thanks, Candi. It amused me greatly.