Welcome to Nowhere

It’s only funny because 90% of it is true. Except I used to be on the wrong end of number 2. And now, updated for 2024, because apparently people still read this thing.

You know you’re from Ottawa when…
You think that 613 is the only area code that exists and HATE having to dial it to call people now
You talk to people from other cities about shawarma and are mystified when they have no clue what the hell you’re talking about
There was a point in time (or it is that point in time right now) when you wished you were 18 so you could drive, cab or bus to hull to get alcohol
You’ve been to “The China Store” in hull
You think Stittsville is the end of the universe
You’ve spent more than 4 days in one week at Rideau
You’ve waited 30 minutes for the OC transpo only to realize it came fucking early? Like, what the fuck is that?
You bitched about the bus and waited for the LRT, only to bitch about the LRT and wish for the bus
You remember when the Canadian Tire Centre was still the Scotiabank Place, Corel Centre, or better, Palladium
You’ve partied on Parliament Hill on Canada Day
You’ve done 4/20 on Parliament Hill because it was 4/20 and screw you
You remember going on field trips to the museum of science and tech. every year of elementary school
You’ve travelled and waited for over half an hour just to get into Zak’s Diner in the Byward Market
You can spot Spartacat out of a crowd of 19,000 people
A winter without going skating on the Rideau Canal just doesn’t seem right
You have an irrational hatred for those ass holes in Toronto and everything they do, have done and will do
You’ve been to, and therefore fallen asleep at, a lynx game
You’ve thought that free 67’s tickets were the best thing you could ever possibly win, ever.
You’re bilingual… or at least you can parler Franglais
You eat, sleep and breathe the Super Ex while it’s open
You’ve swam in Mooney’s Bay and had to shower for 2 hours afterwards to get that filthy, filthy water off of you
You don’t flinch when asked if you want to eat a beavertail
You’ve been at the top of the peace tower and thought you were amazingly high just because nothing else is allowed to be taller than it
You’ve cheered for and a year later, booed Alexei Yashin
You remember the Roughriders, and wish the Renegades would come back
You’ve watched for yourself on Speaker’s Corner on CHRO/The NewRO/A-Channel/Channel 6
You actually miss when channel 6 was a local station and not a CTV offshoot
You’ve seriously considered swimming in the Rideau Canal on one of those 30+ degree summer days
You remember a time when Patrick Lalime was kinda good
Everyone you know has some sort of story about how Alanis Morissette babysat their cousin’s best friend’s dog’s original owner’s son-in-law
You realize that MPs are your local celebrities
You swam in one of those sky blue concrete pools as a kid
You’ve ever been warned of the dangers of the “South Keys Swarmers”
You’ve taken the O-Train and wondered exactly why they ever built it
You wonder why Bluesfest is even called Bluesfest. Who knew the Black Eyed Peas could sing the blues?
You remember that Tom Green used to be funny
You know what a Dep is, and only go there for one thing
After just missing the 95, 96 or 97 you complain about waiting for the next one that comes in 5 minutes
You’ve been to a movie at the World Exchange Plaza, and regretted it for days
You complain about the lack of snow but only a year ago, you were complaining about too much snow
You complain that Ottawa is no fun but never leave your house because it’s too hot or too cold
During grade school, you were warned about “The man in the white van.”
You have at least one “Woohoo!” towel
You know that the women on Dalhousie Street, aren’t just “friendly.”
The word Vanier strikes fear into your heart, in fact you duck and cover any time you hear it
You’ve been to a parade that only consisted of a few emergency vehicles with banners, some people marching, and Kool FM/Hot 89.9 van
The dreaded Ice Storm combined with the teachers’ strike made 1998 the best school year ever
You listened to 101.1 XFm, 93.9 KOOL FM and remember when the New Hot 89.9 was still new
You’re pretty sure that the corner of Preston and Somerset is the only place in the world where China and Italy touch each other.
You learned French back in grade 1 from Dimoitou et ses amis
The only reason you would ever consider reading the Sun is to see if the Sunshine Girl is hot (don’t lie to yourselves)
You remember RJ’s Boom Boom Saloon turning into the Liquor Dome, whose days of serving alcohol to minors ended when it turned into Capital City music hall, which after a few David Usher and Massari shows turned into… well, condos.
When you’ve never been in Place D’Orleans. In fact, no one has ever been in Place D’Orleans, Ottawa or not…
You remember the amazing breakfast at the Golden Griddle before it turned into a Hooters and now some pub or something
You’ve ever heard someone at school yell “shag” or “shawg” or however the hell it’s spelled
The Sens earned you some free pizza
You ever go out of town and the headlines report “Local Group Protest’s Ottawa’s Decision.” Hold on, guys! Don’t blame the whole city!
You hear the Tulip Festival is coming and can’t wait to see the concert line up! …Queen of the Netherlands? Who the hell is that?
You’ve been thanked for your garbage in a shopping mall
You’ve been cut off in traffic by a car only to realize they had a Quebec plate.
You’ve gone to Herongate Mall only to realize you need to kill more than 8 minutes.
You actually know who the Capital Prophets were.
You constantly complain about the lack of good bands that come to town because they always skip from Toronto to Montreal.
You remember 2007, which was the Sens’ best shot at a Stanley cup. Go Sens go!

Yes, go. Go very far, far away. And take the Canadians with you.